SOME HOLIDAY HUMOR--CHRISTMAS AND HANUKKAH
A Christmas Jingle--For Those Who Get a New PC for
Christmas
Twas the night before shipping
And all through the house
Not a program was working,
Not even the mouse
The engineers hung by their monitors bright,
With hopes of a miracle soon within sight
The customers nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of progress danced in theirheads
When out of the testbed there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a super programmer (with a six pack of beer)
His resume glowed with experience so rare,
He turned out great code with a bit pusher's flair
More rapid than eagles, his routines they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name
On Update! On Body! On Inquire! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing! and on with Complete!
His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
From weekends and nights spent in front of a screen
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon made it know I had nothing to dread
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk;
And laying his finger upon the "enter" key,
The system came up and then worked perfectly
The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries inquired and closing completed
He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary an Append, thus all had gone well
The job was now finished, the tests were concluded,
The engineer's last changes were even included
"Heh!", the customer exclaimed with a snarl
and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I
want!"
The stress is of Christmas is in the air. It must
be time to get a tree.
One particular Christmas season a long time ago,
Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but
there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves
got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the
toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning
to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then
Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to
visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went
to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence
and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then
when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards
cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered
the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house
for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that
the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing
to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped
the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little
pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get
the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw
it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on
his way to the door. He opened the door and there
was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas
Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful
tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? "Where
would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on
top of the Christmas tree.
LOTS OF MORE CHRISTMAS JOKES
And now, some Hanukkah humor...
Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me -- we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to got to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't
a thing.
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE
FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and
boots --
To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown.
The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,
While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs.
At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the
gate,
Past bakeries, markets, shops and cafes,
In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Lets
decide!"
We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside.
Around us sat others, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:
There was roast duck and fried squid, (sweet, sour
and spiced,)
Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shi and shrimp chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu....
When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it
all.
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.
Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.
And while this went on, we became aware
Every diner around us had started to stare.
Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;
Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without
thinking.
So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another!
Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two
pencils.
We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore
And half of our dinner wound up on the floor.
We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,
And called to our waiter to bring us two forks.
We fressed and we feasted, we slurped and we munched.
We noshed and we supped, we breakfastd and lunched.
We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies.
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: "Pork is kosher, when its in Chinese
food."
And my girlfriend -- well ... she got a real winner;
Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the
dinner."
Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique).
The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
"Good Yom Tov to all -- and to all a Good Night!"
Don't know the difference between the two holidays?
Here are the holiday distinctions:
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year, Dec.
25. Jews also love Dec. 25. It's another paid day
off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food.
Hanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th
of Kislev, whenever that falls. Jews never know until
a non-Jewish friend asks when Hanukah starts. So
we don't look like idiots, we all consult the same
calendar, provided free with a donation from the
World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the
local memorial chapel.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Hanukah is a minor
holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays:
They tried to kill us, we survived, now let's eat.
Of course, in recent years Hanukah, like Christmas,
has become more commercialized, even though it's
a minor holiday. How could we market a major holiday
like Yom Kippur? "Forget about celebrating,
think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself
for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul,
confess your sins. A guaranteed good time for you
and your family. Tickets a mere $200 each."
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry,
perfume, stereos. Jews get practical presents such
as underwear, books, or some round chocolate coins.
NO ONE expects a diamond ring, new car or fur coat
at Hanukah.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one
can quite decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah,
Chanukka, CkanuKah, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah.......
5. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles
are used for Hanukah. Not only are we spared enormous
electric bills, but we get to feel good about not
contributing to the energy crisis.
6. Christmas carols are beautiful. Hanukah songs
are about dreidels made from clay or having a party
and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly
pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed
and written by our tribal brethren. (And don't Barbra
Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
I personally love Barbra's album.)
7. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful.
The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy
people are gathered around in festive moods. A home
preparing for Hanukah smells of oil, potatoes, onions
frying and maybe, just maybe, the smell of apples
simmering. And putting Bandaids on skinned knuckles.
The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking
at once, deciding whose turn it is to light the menorah.
8. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women
burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes
and onions for latkes on Hanukah. Another reminder
of our suffering through the ages.
9. Parents deliver gifts from lists to their children
during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about
withholding a gift on any of the eight nights. Or
the Jewish woman can be a room mother. At her children's
school she can produce cupcakes iced in blue, stories,
sparkling candles in menorahs, little dreidels so
each kid can win chocolates wrapped in gold foil
(make sure everyone wins once), and little party
gifts for the first day of Hanukah. And after the
story and party, tell the kids it just gets better
for the other seven nights. Then the teacher and
other parents get to hear 30 non-Jewish kids complain
that they only have ONE night for Christmas...and
they want eight!
10. The players in the Christmas story have names
that are easy to pronounce: Mary, Joseph, Jesus.
The players in the Hanukah story are Antiochus, Judah
Maccabee and Matta whatever.