LOTS OF EDUCATIONAL
HUMOR...YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT....
How to Tell If You're
a REAL Teacher:
Real teachers grade papers
in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the
bathroom, and (at the end of the six weeks) have been seen
grading in church.
Real teachers cheer when
they hear April 1 does not fall on a school day.
Real teachers drive older
cars owned by credit unions.
Real teachers clutch a
pencil while thinking and make notes in the margins of books.
Real teachers can't walk
past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
Real teachers never sit
down without first checking the seat of the chair.
Real teachers have disjointed
necks from writing on boards without turning their backs
on the class.
Real teachers are written
up in medical journals for size and elasticity of kidneys
Real teachers have been
timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds.
Master teachers can eat faster than that.
Real teachers can predict
exactly which parents will show up at Open House.
Real teachers volunteer
for hall duty on days faculty meetings are scheduled.
Real teachers never teach
the conjugations of lie and lay to eighth graders.
Real teachers know it
is better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.
Real teachers know the
best end of semester lesson plans can come from Blockbuster.
Real teachers never take
grades after Wednesday of the last week of the six weeks.
Real teachers never assign
research papers on the last six weeks or essays on final
Real teachers know the
shortest distance and the length of travel time from their
classroom to the office.
teachers can "sense" gum.
Real teachers know the
difference among what must be graded, what ought to be graded,
and what probably should never again see the light of day.
Real teachers are solely
responsible for the destruction of the rain forest.
Real teachers have their
best conferences in the parking lot.
Real teachers have never
heard an original excuse.
Real teachers buy Excedrin
and Advil at Sam's.
Real teachers will eat
anything that is put in the workroom/teacher's lounge.
Real teachers never plan
discussions for first period or co-operative groups for 7th
during an evaluation.
Real teachers have the
assistant principals' and counselors' home phone numbers.
Real teachers know secretaries
and custodians run the school.
Real teachers know the
rules don't really apply to them.
Real teachers hear the
heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they
teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely non-expendable.
You Might Be in Education
If . . .
You believe the staff room
should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other
want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice
to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"
You believe chocolate is
a food group.
You can tell it's a full
moon without ever looking outside.
gene poolä should have its own box on the report card.
believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy,
the kids sure are mellow today."
When out in public you feel
the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
You have no time for a life
from August to June.
Marking all As on report
cards would make your life SO much simpler.
You think people should
be required to get a government permit before being allowed
You wonder how some parents
ever MANAGED to reproduce.
laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room
as the "lounge."
You believe in aerial spraying
You encourage an obnoxious
parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
You believe no one should
be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary
setting for at least 5 years.
You've ever had you profession
slammed by someone who would never DREAM of doing your job.
You can't have children
because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't
bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.
You think caffeine should
be available to staff in IV form.
know you're in for a MAJOR project when a parent says, "I have a great idea
Iâd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun!"
smile weakly, but want to choke a person when he/she says, "Oh,
you must have such FUN every day. It must be like playtime
Your personal life comes
to a screeching halt at report card time.
a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why
is this kid like this?"
You might be a teacher if
you always, to your family's
embarrassment, turn a pizza into a math lesson on fractions.
you ask your friends twice
if they need t go to the bathroom before they get into your car.
repeat instructions three times and then ask, "Does everyone
stacking piles of papers on
the floor seems like a logical filing system to you.
you correct the grammar and
spelling on restaurant menus.
you consider a 2.2% pay raise
you tote more keys than a
horse has teeth, and you know how many teeth a horse has.
best friend's vanity plate says "METEACH."
you find yourself kneeling
down to tie your spouse's shoe.
you have explained to a child
that being a rock in the school play is an important role.
untied tennis shoes are a
fashion statement where you work.
someone mentions "M&M," you
do think of a food group.
you consider a roll of toilet
paper on your desk a necessity.
you have considered encouraging
a parent to consider home schooling.
How you know if you're an
elementary school teacher:
declare "no cuts" when
a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?
You move your dinner partner's
glass away from the edge of the table?
You ask if anyone needs to
go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?
You hand a tissue to anyone
refer to "snack time" as "happy
You ask guests if they have
remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?
you say "I like the
way you did that" to the mechanic who repairs your car?
you ask "Are you sure
you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair
you sing the "Alphabet
Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?
Do you say everything twice?
I mean, do you repeat everything?
Do you fold your spouse's
fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?
Do you ask a quiet person
at a party if he has something to share with the group?
You know you teach middle
...you empty your pockets
at night and find
- two used hall passes
- one unused bus pass
- a pencil stub
- no money (you spent your
change in the faculty room candy stash)
- a note with a drawing of
satan and two expletives that needed deleting
...you brag to your spouse
about how many parent phone calls you got done today
relatives refuse to attend one of your parties if "it's going to be mostly teachers" because
they all talk shop
...you keep trying those techniques
that were recommended by experts during the latest pendulum swing
... you walk the halls of
your building and unconsciously pick up litter
... you are irritated by adults
who chew gum in public
... your spouse surreptitiously
reads the paper at dinner while you describe your day
... you plan your seating
chart so that the short kids can't hide behind bigger ones
... you have seen firsthand
what gum wrappers and pennies can do to a floppy disk drive
... you write your name conspicuously
on all personal objects, including your car keys, your masking
tape, your textbook, and your chair.
... you sometimes choose to
pretend not to hear comments that were perfectly intelligible
to everyone else who was in the room
... you know what your classroom
door sounds like when slammed mightily
... you have classroom rules
about where people may put their feet
... you know what the ventilation
fan in your room sounds like when whirling small objects, usually
folded paper or wrappers
... your librarian cringes
when you sign up your class
... you tell subtle jokes
in class just to see those few smiles of the ones that catch
... your class gladly acknowledges
that they watch Letterman and Rosie O'Donnell and MTV but tell
you they haven't time to look at something by PBS during prime
... you despise Halloween
candy, Christmas candy, and Valentine candy
... your students prefer current
events stories that deal with rape, murder, electrocution, and
... one of your students writes
to Congress (on your nickle) to complain about some cigarette
butts thrown into a local lake
... you still can't believe
you allowed yourself to be sucked into an argument regarding
whether Beanie Babies should be allowed in class
... you know at least three
ways to remove objectionable doodles from textbooks so the next
user will not be offended
... your team goes out for
dinner to celebrate the news that your biggest headache is moving
to another district
... you clean desks yourself
just to keep the place looking nice and to help your own morale
a mother calls to chew you out because you have ignored her
son's project only to learn from you that it must be the one
that has sat on the chalkrail for weeks with the words "Whose? Is this yours?" written
your colleagues claim you inspected a blank student agenda
in study hall and said, "Let
me guess: All your teachers have been absent for the last month
and a half."