SOME HOLIDAY HUMOR--CHRISTMAS AND HANUKKAH
A Christmas Jingle--For Those Who Get a New PC for Christmas
Twas the night before shipping
And all through the house
Not a program was working,
Not even the mouse
The engineers hung by their monitors bright,
With hopes of a miracle soon within sight
The customers nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of progress danced in theirheads
When out of the testbed there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a super programmer (with a six pack of beer)
His resume glowed with experience so rare,
He turned out great code with a bit pusher's flair
More rapid than eagles, his routines they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name
On Update! On Body! On Inquire! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing! and on with Complete!
His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
From weekends and nights spent in front of a screen
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon made it know I had nothing to dread
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk;
And laying his finger upon the "enter" key,
The system came up and then worked perfectly
The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries inquired and closing completed
He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary an Append, thus all had gone well
The job was now finished, the tests were concluded,
The engineer's last changes were even included
"Heh!", the customer exclaimed with a snarl and
a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"
The stress is of Christmas is in the air. It must be time
to get a tree.
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa
was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were
problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the
trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular
ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being
behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom
was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When
he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of
them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence
and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when
he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and
the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of
coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves
had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and
it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen
floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had
eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way
to the door. He opened the door and there was a little
angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas
Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree
for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? "Where would
you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of
the Christmas tree.
And now, some Hanukkah humor...
Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me -- we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to got to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots
--
To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown.
The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,
While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs.
At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the gate,
Past bakeries, markets, shops and cafes,
In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Lets decide!"
We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside.
Around us sat others, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:
There was roast duck and fried squid, (sweet, sour and
spiced,)
Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shi and shrimp chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu....
When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all.
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.
Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.
And while this went on, we became aware
Every diner around us had started to stare.
Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;
Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking.
So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another!
Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.
We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore
And half of our dinner wound up on the floor.
We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,
And called to our waiter to bring us two forks.
We fressed and we feasted, we slurped and we munched.
We noshed and we supped, we breakfastd and lunched.
We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies.
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: "Pork is kosher, when its in Chinese
food."
And my girlfriend -- well ... she got a real winner;
Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."
Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique).
The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
"Good Yom Tov to all -- and to all a Good Night!"
Don't know the difference between the two holidays? Here
are the holiday distinctions:
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year, Dec. 25.
Jews also love Dec. 25. It's another paid day off work.
We go to movies and out for Chinese food. Hanukah is 8
days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever
that falls. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks
when Hanukah starts. So we don't look like idiots, we all
consult the same calendar, provided free with a donation
from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or
the local memorial chapel.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Hanukah is a minor holiday
with the same theme as most Jewish holidays: They tried
to kill us, we survived, now let's eat. Of course, in recent
years Hanukah, like Christmas, has become more commercialized,
even though it's a minor holiday. How could we market a
major holiday like Yom Kippur? "Forget about celebrating,
think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for
27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, confess
your sins. A guaranteed good time for you and your family.
Tickets a mere $200 each."
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume,
stereos. Jews get practical presents such as underwear,
books, or some round chocolate coins. NO ONE expects a
diamond ring, new car or fur coat at Hanukah.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can
quite decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka,
CkanuKah, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah.......
5. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are
used for Hanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric
bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to
the energy crisis.
6. Christmas carols are beautiful. Hanukah songs are about
dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the
hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the
beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal
brethren. (And don't Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond
sing them beautifully? I personally love Barbra's album.)
7. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The
sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are
gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for
Hanukah smells of oil, potatoes, onions frying and maybe,
just maybe, the smell of apples simmering. And putting
Bandaids on skinned knuckles. The home, as always, is full
of loud people all talking at once, deciding whose turn
it is to light the menorah.
8. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn
their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions
for latkes on Hanukah. Another reminder of our suffering
through the ages.
9. Parents deliver gifts from lists to their children during
Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding
a gift on any of the eight nights. Or the Jewish woman
can be a room mother. At her children's school she can
produce cupcakes iced in blue, stories, sparkling candles
in menorahs, little dreidels so each kid can win chocolates
wrapped in gold foil (make sure everyone wins once), and
little party gifts for the first day of Hanukah. And after
the story and party, tell the kids it just gets better
for the other seven nights. Then the teacher and other
parents get to hear 30 non-Jewish kids complain that they
only have ONE night for Christmas...and they want eight!
10. The players in the Christmas story have names that
are easy to pronounce: Mary, Joseph, Jesus. The players
in the Hanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee and
Matta whatever.