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Safe Passagesupport for those struggling with homosexuality
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1. If we know who we are, we can love another, for we can know them truly as they are.
This is beautifully illustrated in the story, "The Secret Garden", in which over a period of time, a caring, genuine woman, Lilly, grows to love a man who visits her in her garden. But because of his physical, "hunchback" deformity, her sister vehemently opposes the relationship and threatens to disown Lilly, "You can't marry this Archibald! He's a gloomy, miserable cripple who hides himself away in that horrible house! Do you want your children to be crippled as well? He can't believe that you love him and neither can I! I won't forgive you, won't see you live there!" In spite of this, Lilly stands firm in her love for him because she sees clearly that he is an alive soul who is able to love deeply. She is a whole woman--she knows who she is and therefore is able to see this man as he really is in his most essential personhood. She doesn't seek a physically attractive "hunk" to bolster her own self-image--she is encountered by and responds to a real, loving masculine presence. Although he is lonely and hurting, he is a whole man--wonderfully formed in a Christ-like capacity to love, and courageous (without narcissistic bravado) in the face of his difficulties. (The rest of the story is about the deep process of healing he undergoes 10 years after the tragic death of his wife in childbirth when his niece, Mary Lennox, orphaned by a disease epidemic, comes to live with them. More on this in another teaching!)
2. Godly integration of the masculine and feminine within men, and the masculine and feminine within women is essential to healthy relationships--opposite sex and same sex.
Men and women are each intended to contain BOTH the masculine and feminine in some kind of mysterious (but recognizable) combination. Logically, this is implied by the need for mutuality, for if men did not incorporate the feminine to some extent and women the masculine, there would be no common ground for the two to connect and share. The other part of God's intent for our heterosexuality is complementarity, the gender difference which provides a basis for deep fellowship and completion (Genesis 2:23-25) in a way that transcends rigid gender "roles". The Christ-like virtues of courage, gentleness, strength, humility, compassion, kindness and nurturing--developed by fellowship with the Lord and with others, obedience to God amid a certain amount of suffering, and faith in Jesus and His work of redemption--make for persons who are much more real and alive than the caricatures posed by our confused society. These masculine and feminine aspects of God's own eternal image of "male and female" have found rich expression in godly men and women throughout centuries of Church history. (See Teaching #4 "Gender Wholeness - What's Masculine and Feminine?" for scriptures and further discussion.) Having embraced both the masculine and the feminine in ourselves, we become able to embrace the goodness of being a woman or a man. But this process can be interrupted during the course of our development if the gender symbolism revealed by significant others (mother, father, etc.) is experienced as dangerous, repulsive, or simply lackluster. The result of missing this integrative step is that we continue to hunger (often in the form of lust) for that missing part of ourselves. This can take many forms, both heterosexual and homosexual.
Heterosexual. A heterosexual woman who compulsively seeks to "lose herself" in sexual encounters with men (whether romantic or not) is hungering not for the sexual activity itself (however erotic it may be), but for completeness in her gender identity--she is looking for herself in another. The desire ironically does not come from a genuine love for men but from an unnatural vacuum left by her not having yet embraced the good of the masculine in herself. And a man who compulsively seeks to lose himself in sexual encounters with women (whether impersonally pornographic or desperately romantic) is also seeking to find a lost part of himself--a fullness which, unsuccessfully sought during an earlier time in his life, has become eroticized. Therefore, it is possible for men and women to engage in actions whose outward form is heterosexual, but which at a deeper level bear little connection with the adult sexual capacity wherein God intends us to intimately know and be known by another. Mature heterosexuality implies that the identity of each person is formed well enough for each to discern the boundary between what pertains to self and other, and thus to genuinely love for the sake of another (and fulfill the commandments of Matthew 22:37-40). Sexual passion between man and woman is holy and life-giving only when each person is developmentally complete enough to truly see and know another.
Homosexual. An analogous thing can happen in homosexual desire--the longing to connect with a lost part of ourselves. This cannot be simplified to a psuedo-heterosexual duality-- i.e. a stereotype of hyper-masculinized men (or women) pairing with hyper-femininized men (or women)-- the dynamics of real relationships are more subtle and complex, the stuff of science. Nor can it be concluded on the basis of science alone that this is true of all homosexual relationships--that is perhaps only for God to know, and we can only seek to be informed of His intent in our own journey with Him. But whatever the detailed dynamics, there exists at least for some a converse to the heterosexual vacuum left from not having embraced the good of the opposite gender within one's self-- and that is the vacuum left from not having embraced the good of one's own gender within one's self. A man who compulsively seeks to lose himself in sexual encounters with other men is seeking to integrate a lost part of himself--a quest originating from an earlier time in his life. A woman may connect more readily with the feminine in another woman than in herself, and/or gain aliveness when another woman connects with the feminine in her. As long as we are not reconciled to our masculinity (as men) or femininity (as women), a profound confusion remains between what feels like a desire to be intimate with another person and what at a deeper level is a desire to be complete within ourselves through union with someone who represents our own inaccessible masculinity or femininity. Whenever these dynamics apply, we are bent towards (enmeshed with, lost in) one another, and that is not genuine relational intimacy. The sexual encounters borne of these desires can feel intensely intimate, but a deeper look may reveal an underlying fragmentation and symbolic confusion. And if at some level we are uniting with a lost part of ourselves which has been projected onto another person, it means in a sense there is no relational exchange going on at all, since the other person is not really being known as they are.As humans we often fall short of the adult sexual capacity God intends for us in intimately knowing and being known by another. In the same way as in heterosexual brokenness, we are led into further isolation, even depersonalization.
3. Brokenness in Mom and Dad tends to distort our relationships--both same-sex and opposite sex.
God intends us to be formed as human beings in relationship, beginning with our parents, in whom we see glimpses of what it "looks like" to be a man or woman. If these crucial persons in our lives individually or in combination model the societal caricature of masculinity and femininity, and/or if their relationship does not reveal the mutuality (union based upon commonality) and complementary (union enriched by differences) that God intended for committed, intimate heterosexual relationships, then our development as men and women will in some way become frustrated or distorted. Main roots of brokenness (often existing in combination) are:
Deprivation (caused by physical or emotional absence, such that bonding which would otherwise impart a sense of well-being and affirm emergent gender identity does not happen adequately)
Abuse (violation of personal boundaries or exposure to marital unhealthiness that transmits pain, hopelessness, fear, etc. with regards to the same sex or the opposite sex, and associated relational patterns)
In both cases, the powerful, normal needs we have for emotional presence (e.g. nurture, affirmation, mirroring, etc.) are unmet. Rather than dying altogether (psychically, or physically as has been documented in cases of extreme infant abandonment), we split them off, so parts of our emotions remain hidden. (Please see Part II of this teaching.)
4. Lack of gender integration fuels harmful lusts--but hidden within are healthy longings for life and completion, so integration, not white-knuckling shame or repression, is the remedy
It is a sad but profound mystery that when deeper longings for completion get displaced (e.g. split off), the resulting confusion breeds a lust whose object can never truly satisfy the original need because it doesn't engage with the places of the heart which genuinely cry out for completion. Indeed, in our despair we often become further removed from our core longings--such that what we lust for may in fact be the opposite of our deepest needs.
Holding. Though the felt desire (of a man or woman) may be to hold another (man or woman), the deepest, hidden heart has despaired that there is any holding for that very early part of one's self that had suffered grossly inadequate feminine nurture. In prayer, the confusion is unraveled, and the young child's appropriate "lusty" yearning for attachment is felt and met in the Lord through the presence of healthy people in His Body who won't confuse their own personal longings for intimacy with the beauty they see in another person.
Initiating. Though the felt desire may be to receive an embrace (be "initiated unto"), the deepest heart has remained frustrated in early longing to experience and express its own own strong vitality. Through prayer, the Lord connects us with (thus empowers us through) an affirming masculine presence, forming a bridge to integrate our own unique masculinity. Again, the presence of healthy people in His Body is so crucial in this
When we experience these powerful desires, we may genuinely feel as if we are really engaging with another person--but this only reveals the depth of the confusion which veils (under various forms of eroticism or romanticism) the underlying identity brokenness. Therefore, it is in the estrangement from an essential aspect of ourselves that the hunger for completion intensifies and manifests itself as lust and idolatry--this is confusion which sadly will never yield the relational intimacy longed for at deeper levels. The Lord longs to put our hearts back together so that we can see each other truly and love for the sake of the other. It is in this kind of intimacy (whether sexually passionate or not) that the deepest fulfillment is experienced--the most satisfying easing of aloneness.
In truth, white-knuckling denial/ isolation is deadly, as shared a couple of weeks ago in the dream about the voiceless knight whose armour tragically and strangely led to his death. The saddest thing is when a man or woman gives up on the journey without ever expressing the pain they have carried for so long on the inside. It is the Lord's heart to draw the suffering into healing dialog with Himself and with those who express His redemptive grace.
5. Healing occurs as we walk through the pain honestly and press through to the longings which underlie our confused desires.
"'We either contemplate or we exploit.' [Fr. Alan Jones] We either learn to listen to God or we manipulate. We manipulate others and we ourselves are even gladly manipulated in order to alleviate the loneliness of our separation from the voice of God. In the Presence, listening, I unmask. I take off my many false faces and my true self comes face to face with Jesus. If I look for me, I will never find me--only my many fragmented selves. But if I look for Him, I will eventually find that the whole of me is united in Jesus. In true prayer, I face all the facts. I begin to tell the true story, the true tale of my life: 'Thou dost lay bare our iniquities before thee, and our lusts in the full light of thy Presence.' (Psalm 90.8, NEB)" Leanne Payne, The Broken Image, p. 150
If our deeper longings cannot be fulfilled if we act upon the confused symbolism of our lusts, then God has to have a way of bringing our deeper needs into His loving presence, and the loving presence of other persons who are healthy enough to love aright. In prayer, worship, and sharing, He searches out who we are, and where we are, so that at the point of our core longings, we are embraced and more of the emptiness filled. The One who called out, "where are you?" to Adam when his relational connection was broken is the same devoted Shepherd Who searches for us who are lost. The process is relational (and "incarnational") and it is miraculous--empowered by His continuous interventions which (at least on the surface) seem to exceed His interventions in the realm of physical affliction. The central importance of intimacy in our existence, both with God and with others, is evidenced by what Christ spoke about during His most important time of sharing with His disciples--the things He said in John 14-17 during His last agonizing evening on this earth. (This idea will be developed in the next teaching.)
A closing example of the above from my own recent experience.
In the wake of the Northridge Earthquake's devastation of my workplace,
we had to coordinate our activities by phone. One night, I unexpectedly
became the brunt of all the built-up earthquake stress of my manager's wife,
in a sudden torrent of cruel and unjust remarks. Though I knew her state
was not rational and her words untrue, I felt my insides pierced by a knife,
and in the ensuing despondency that I had to work through in prayer with
the Lord, I sensed that there was more attached to the experience for me
than previously known female abuses from my early life. Out of deep concern,
two friends gathered me for a time of prayer. They saw (in a vision) a towering,
imposing woman shaking her finger harshly at a little girl, saying "you're
bad!". Waves of anger and despair flooded back with memories of devastating
judgments by strict, rigid female teachers of the Christian elementary school
I had attended, where often I had been disciplined for things I could not
reasonably have known or punished for things I had sincerely done with the
best of intentions, with no opportunity to request mercy. In my heart, I
had been dying for tenderness and understanding from a kind woman who would
take the time to listen and see me for who I really was. The Lord met me
there at that point of longing with a womanly tenderness which I am at a
loss to describe. It was from His own heart, yet it was mediated through
the kind voices and gentle arms of my friends as they wept with me and spoke
the words of love for which I had been searching for twenty years, words
which He knew to give them because He had been there with me all along.
I arose deeply nourished in my feminine spirit, more joyful and more solid.
Truly I can attest this would never have occurred had I sought this from
a woman sexually--it would have never accessed my deeper longing. May the
Lord continue to reveal Himself in such personal and healing ways to us
all!
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